Life has changed...for better or worse.....def. all for the better!

I decided to start a blog today. Feeling uplifted in so many ways so this is my new beginning after conquering a year of raising twins and a preschooler! Yes it's been a year since my twins changed my life. God has given me the strength through it all. And I mean through it all through my anger, laughter, chaos, happiness, madness, joy through all my feelings and thoughts Jesus has carried me through! 

When I found out I was pregnant with twins I was all alone. Two ultrasound techs kept checking me and neither one said a thing to me except that I was okay.  Having an ultrasound for two hours is not pleasant because there are different ways to have ultrasound for pregnancy if you catch my drift. Finally they told me that I was pregnant with twins and I was in shock. My husband was with my son in the waiting room at the hospital. We had thought we could take our son but we couldn't so I went in solo. No words described my feelings but I laid there praying that everything was okay and things were more than okay it was twins! How was I going to tell my husband. I was lucky enough to talk him into letting me try for my little girl! The ultrasound tech saw how shocked and emotional I was and ask if I wanted her to go with me to tell my husband. I said yes knowing that since I am prankster and knew he wouldn't believe me. I told him as I cried and he looked at the technician for confirmation and she said yes. He had tears in his eyes and we both started to laugh. Laughing stops us from crying and laughing because it was so crazy!!!

Through a tough pregnancy full of bed rest, vomiting everyday up until they day after they were born and so much more we made it. Since I had a little girl named picked out but no boys names my husband got to name them. Don't get me wrong when I found out they were identical twins I was happy they were boys. No way in my right mind did I was two twin girls. I was happy with my boys although I still want my ONE little girl. My husband loved the name Caleb and Levi so I went with it....eventually. Their middle names are for our grandfathers that were a big part of our lives. Lorenzo for Rob's grandfather and John for my grandpa that was like a dad to me.

So here is the story of after they were born................

A year ago today I gave birth to my twins. I was 36 weeks, my blood pressure was all over the place and just to think I was just going to the hospital to do my usual stress test. I dropped off Benjamin at preschool and next thing you know Dr wants to do my c-section that day, July 6, 2010. My mom was so nervous, she thought I was going to die but I knew I was okay. God had taken care of me and my babies thus far.

I was very upset though and the nurses were so awesome. They comforted me when no one was there, after all I was a regular having going there twice a week. I wasn't scared, maybe a little bit and a bit overwhelmed but my heart broke thinking about not seeing my Benjamin for a couple days. He had only stayed away from us for one night prior. We were blessed with my sister in law Ruth and my brother Chris taking charge of Ben. They kept him for 4 nights, 5 day as if he was their son. Although he was was always like their son anyways I can't thank them enough for taking care of one of my treasures. My Benjamin.

After Caleb (5lbs 3oz) & Levi (6lbs 3oz) arrived it was much of a blur. All I wanted to is to be left alone with my babies when I arrived in my room after recovery but that didn't happen. I won't go into much detail there but the overwhelming feelings occurred instantly. Awwwwww....what did I get myself into! Why did I want to get pregnant again? Recovery went okay, thanks to my husband for being my assistant in every case. I appreciated my visitors that came and made me feel loved, relaxed and at ease. The willingness of some of my visitors to change my babies when needed or to assist in a feeding showed me so much love they had for my family! When my pastor and wife had come and prayed with me it reminded me God is my strength and remember to lean on the Lord.

My husband had to go to work the last day I "thought" I was going home so my "Sissy" came and stayed with me. She took time away from her family amongst other things to stay with me. Oh, how I owe such a great person! She took care of my babies as I prepared to leave. A couple of crying breakdowns later I had to stay another day. My Aunt Irene and my Sissy tried to comfort me but I just wanted to go home. The nurse left because she was going to cry too. I need to be at home, I needed my Benjamin! One more day and again the hubby had to work. Some of you might be wondering why he worked....well he had been at his new job less than a year w/no vacation/sick time but was granted 3 days in which he spent at the hospital with me already. My sister Carla stayed with me the last day which was shocking since she has 3 animals herself. I needed her that day as I did sissy the day before.

When I finally got home feelings of anxiety, stress, sadness, other feelings like feeling overwhelmed, tiredness, but also happiness set in. I was greatful for my church family that brought me meals for the week or for my visitors who were so understanding of my situation. Many people ask to help but to me it didnt' make sense at first to get help. I slept when the babies slept if I was not pumping and even though it was hard work w/two babies I managed. What I couldn't grasp is the house work, laundry, dinner, or spending quality time w/Ben. I am not happy to admit that when Ben was not in school Cartoons & movies were taking care of Ben. Benjamin can read every channel on our TV guide and knows A LOT of commercials. I mean a lot. I probably had him quote a couple to you because it was funny but embarrassing that he learned them from so much TV.  I feed him but he learned to ask for snacks or drinks when needed. Sometimes I come into the kitchen and it was a complete disaster. Open fridge, peanut butter and jelly and bread crumbles all on the counter, melted Popsicle on the table. I am not happy to admit but for this mom, it's reality.  Did I think I would have my son depend on tv or me not care for him as much as he needed? No I was going to be the most awesome mom anyone has every seen or known!

I had to go back to work for a 1/2 day before resigning in November and although I knew this day was coming I had mixed feelings about it. I worked my whole life since I was 16 yrs old, but on the other hand this was my dream to raise my family. It's the job God gave me and I was going to do it to my fullest right? Taking my job away was like taking apart of who I was. Who am I really now? Just a mom? A housewife? A lazy Loser? I was a little lost, like a identity crisis. I missed my job, everything you see in a law enforcement office is not pretty and not always exciting but I loved it. It was rewarding. Most of all I missed my work family. I am just a "regular" person to them now.

I had to keep telling myself your kids need you more than ever and God put you in this household for a reason. He made every way to confirm this is my place. We have nice home on the "good" side of town with a very nice/low payment, We have no debt besides are house, My son went to the best preschool in our town, and so much more that God did to show me "it's going to be okay, I got this!"

This has been the hardest year of my life, literally!! Being home is hard work. Someone once told me that it would take me about 18 months to adjust and I thought that was a joke. I thought it would be more like 3-6 months. I am still working on adjusting. It's just me at home, I don't have my mom or mother-in-law, friends or nanny all day or everyday.

I don't have my husband all day but my family does get his full attention at night and most weekends when he is not working.  My husband had been my partner through it all. Sure we fought, argued more since they were born. Some days we can only say a few sentences to each after being consumed by kids and exhaustion. Then there are the days we talk, laugh, play and relax together. My husband is not like most though. He is utterly amazing! He does laundry, cooks, cleans and picks up the slack where it's needed. He works and then come homes and does this for his family. He does it he say because he loves us and he knows it is hard work raising a family and he knows I am what is best for the boys. He has no complaints when dinner isn't cooked, ready or even thought of when he gets home. He doesn't ask why the laundry is piling up but when I sneak out of the house he takes care of it. If I am taking care of my boys or running errands the bathrooms are clean. He is the love of my life and no one can replace him. He puts up with me, he understands me but most of all he loves me. Our relationship is not perfect but we are happy to keep growing to better ourselves as a couple.

Would I be a better mom, wife or person if I was still working? Paying for three child cares, formula, diapers etc? Not to mention at a job that I was being Furloughed at. So I would be losing money instead of gaining one cent. But the money is not just it. I would be losing watching my babies' every moments. Their first smile, crawl or laugh. Comforting them when they have been really sick. I would have missed my Benjamin's field trips, his picnics outside or our jog/walks on the trail.

So today I sit here(even though it took me all day to write this slowly but surely right!) feeling absolutely blessed and in tears. Thank you God for bringing me this far and blessing me with this much. The joy in my heart that I feel is overwhelming. The happiness that I have is real! I am happy! I made it this year! All those dirty diapers, all that baby food that was spit at me, all those bite marks on my tummy, or scraping out your babies' mouth for who knows what(I can write a book on what they have put in their mouth or chewed up!), all those cries of the night(prior to the self soothing method) all those scares of the babies being sick or fell to hard was all worth it.  It was worth it because of those times when the boys grab my face to kiss me, when I taught them to use a straw or eat something new. Times when they wave at you, or  follow you from room to room looking for their "mom mom mom mom" When you wake up and see their smiling face sticking there head above the crib rail and that's just the beginning of my joys.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me in the future as a stay at home mom.

So who am I?
My name is Kimberlee Hernandez
Wife to Robert Hernandez for 8 years
Mother to Benjamin, Caleb and Levi

I am a stay at home mother whom completely relies on God for EVERYTHING!
I am happy, content, not perfect but full of failures.
I am loved and in my family is WHERE THE HEART IS.

My heart, my love, my treasures..............................my family!

So if you think my hands are full.....you should see my heart!

The adventures continues because this is where I am suppose to be!